Crazy Fantasies

This is what I retreat to when reality isn’t working out so well. This can take place in a variety of forms. Sometimes my inner fangirl kicks in and I just become obsessive with one of my fandoms (Supernatural and Dean, OUaT and Hook or Sherif Graham, Sherlock and Sherlock or Watson, Almost Human and Aiden, Firefly and Mal, etc). Other times I fall into another short lived celebrity obsession. The most recent ones have been going back and forth between Chris Thile and Sean Watkins, both of Nickel Creek, in light of the concert I’m attending this weekend. I know this habit isn’t at all healthy, but it gets me through when I’m feeling lonely. However, today another old fantasy kicked in.

There is an old friend I’ve had for quite some time. A sweet guy, and socially awkward in that geeky way that everyone knows I find irresistible. We fall out of contact for months on end sometimes, but reconnected a few weeks ago. This never ends well, I end up having feelings that he just can’t return. Then he hugged me. I’m a mess. *sigh*

Sudden Popularity

I've become a popular girl suddenly. Friday night I met up with the new guy for coffee and playing Set. Anyone who knows me and my Mennonite heritage knows not to under estimate my love of card games. We ended up closing out the café and having to move on to a 24 hour diner for carrot cake and political talk (including an intense discussion about vaccinations and ethical research methodology). So awesome night! Obviously this one has serious potential.

Then tonight I was supposed to have dinner plans with Puppy Dog Eyes to meet for sushi, however, the rather icky weather did away with those plans. While I had planned to still make the half hour trip to go meet him anyway, and end things after this date, he was the one to insist on rescheduling, since, after all, he has to walk. Which reinforces my decision to end this right now.

Yesterday presented a fun little curveball though. After almost two weeks of complete silence, Mr. Whirlwind shows up out of nowhere. He just shows up. He says "Hey hun, it's been a little while, let's do lunch and catch up, I miss you." So nonchalant. A long conversation has taken place since then and he seems to be trying to pick up on the hot and heavy note the he left off on. He's not understanding that this isn't possible. Depending on how he decided to approach things, I might be willing to try things out more slowly, but I can't go right back to where I was with him. The landscape changed there.

New Guy!

Well, yesterday was fun. I'm feeling optimistic. It was a fun date with little pressure, totally my speed. So I'm hoping that there are more in the future. So for now, since I like this guy and respect him, I shall keep mostly quiet. I don't want to jinx anything.

I still have not heard from Mr. Whirlwind, so that is the end of that adventure. I'm disappointed, yet I'm not. Puppy Dog Eyes has not left me alone at all. He desperately wants to get together again sometime soon. So add desperate to living at home, unable to drive, and basically inexperienced with relationships. This isn't going to work either. I'm going to have to kill off any lingering hopes there. Comic Book Man is also still showing interest, but honestly, I've grown bored. He still has a shot, but needs to step it up a bit if he wants to remain in the running.

Radio Silence

So last night’s discussion never got to take place. Earlier in the day I told Mr. Whirlwind that I was looking forward to speaking to him in the evening, and that there were a few things that I wanted to discuss with him. Since making that comment around noon, yesterday, there was total and complete silence. Obviously I’m a little upset over this, but at the same time, I feel relieved. If we had spoken, he’d probably sweet talk me into buying whatever BS he tried to sell. His silence speaks louder than any of his words could have. I wanted to discuss the fact that I felt like he was being disrespectful towards me, and this silence couldn’t be more disrespectful. Not to mention how cowardly it is. So I’m ok with all of this. I’ve gotten the closure that I needed. He’s a douche bag, end of story. Obviously I’m still a little hurt, but I’ll take this all as a sign that I dodged a bullet.

Moving right along, being who I am, time for reflection these past two evenings has been good for me.  It gave me the clarity to make some of the conclusions that I mentioned above. It also gave me some time to consider the other men that have popped up in my life. We will start with the boy I went out with the other weekend. He’s sweet, cute, and very kind. Unfortunately I don’t believe that there is any long term potential there. He has many great qualities, but at the end of the day, he is only working part time, lives with his parents, and can’t drive (Let’s call him Puppy Dog Eyes).

Then there is another guy that I’ve been seeing since January. He’s also adorable, sweet, and funny. Again, no long term potential. He works for a comic book store, hates his job, and appears to be the perpetual student type (I dub this guy Comic Book Man). I’ve got my fair share of issues and get a little worried when all of the men I date don’t even have their act together half as well as I do. I think this is why I fell so fast and so hard for Mr. Whirlwind. He has a good job that he loves, has completed his education, and seems to have his life on track.

Finally, there is a new guy that I hope to meet up with this weekend. He seems to have his act together decently, so I’m feeling hopeful. We shall see.

Sassy Pants

As one of my co-workers likes to say: I’ve got my sassy pants on today! I feel fantastic. While I’m not exactly a girly-girl, and I don’t have the shoe/clothes obsession that many girls my age do, I delight in knowing that I look good. 

I will state that I’m very aware of my flaws. I’ve always been chubby, but in the past several years I crossed the threshold into the “just plain fat” category. Seriously, even at my thinnest, I was still an extra-large when it came to tops. I’m also really tall, so at this point, though some XL tops may fit around me, nothing looks more unflattering than having the top end at the waistband of my pants. So I’ve resigned myself to the fact that any tops I buy must be both plus-sized and tunic length.

Lately I’ve been losing a surprising amount of weight. 20lbs total since Christmas. Granted I still have a long way to go, but I’m currently wearing a jean size that I haven’t seen since my undergrad days, so I am thrilled. This means that I’ve had to splurge a little on new clothes, since none of my work clothing fit me right anymore. Obviously if new clothing is bought, new makeup has to be gotten to go along with it, including lipstick and an eye shadow palette.  This morning I got dressed in an outfit eerily similar to an outfit I wore regularly through my senior year of high school and my first two years of college, all I have to do is trade out my gray dress pants for a tight pair of bootcut jeans. It’s taking me back to a time when I was happier, less stressed, and a bitch to be totally honest.

The effect this has had on my mood cannot be ignored. I look awesome, I feel awesome, and I’m ready to take on the world damn it! (which should help me through some tough conversations)

Happy Birthday to Me!

So I’ve been neglecting my little blog and I apologize for that. Life has gotten a little hectic, but I’ve been saving a story from last week, and it’s time to get that blogged and processed. As stated in earlier posts, last Wednesday was my birthday. I turned 27, which actually seems old to me. The day ended up being a little strange. My parents left for Florida that morning, leaving me to care for my 15 year old sister for 2 weeks. She’s a good kid, I don’t have any concerns for taking care of her, but it did mean that I had to move back into my parents’ home for these 2 weeks, since they live about 45 minutes away from me. It also meant that aside from lunch with a co-worker/good friend, and hibachi with my sisters, all birthday celebrations have been put off until I can have my whole family present.

So Tuesday night I’m chatting with Mr. Whirlwind, and the conversation took some interesting turns. I ended up telling him that my birthday was the next day and that he should do something nice for me. He then stated that he would like to take me to dinner later in the week in celebration, and I rearranged my plans in order to make that dinner work. While rearranging my plans I did note that I’d be particularly upset if Mr. Whirlwind decided to disappoint me, since I’m going the extra mile to make the plans that he proposed work.

The night before our dinner plans we were up late chatting, and I get the usual ramblings on how he misses me, cannot wait to see me again, and has been thinking of me constantly. I stated that it’s a good thing that we will see each other the next day then. His reply read “easier said than done.” He goes on to say that we might potential get together, but that he had been waiting to “run errands and stuff” with a friend, and the friend finally made time for these errands the night that we had made plans. Needless to say, I’m able to call that for the bullshit it is. I’m generally a very easy going person, but I’m not stupid. I also made it very clear that I was hurt and that I wish he would have said something earlier as I had given up other plans for him.

Friday was full of apology, and him needing reassurance that I wasn’t angry with him. Really? How would I not be angry over that? I have been very understanding of the fact that he has personal stuff going on right now that he needs to sort through, and that he just isn’t able to commit at all for the time being. I’m fine with that, but I will insist on being treated with respect. He went out of his way Friday and Saturday to be all sweet and flirty, but now the moodiness is setting in again, and our dinner has not yet been rescheduled. I believe it may be time for a little talk tonight. This could certainly get interesting.

Mr. Whirlwind, Part 2: Seeking Closure

I need closure.

I have a tendency to over analyze the things that happen to me, and this situation is no exception. I don’t like how it left off with me completely unaware of whatever it is that went wrong. It's messing with my ability to go out on dates with other men, because it's on the back of my mind. So I have drafted an email that I’m sending to him.

It basically states that I want to know what is going on, that I'm confused by his behavior and that I want to know how he wants to proceed. Is he still interested, is he not at all interested, or does he need some time to work out his issues and then revisit this topic?

So I'm sending that, then I will be deleting all traces of contact information from my phone, computer, and hopefully my memory as well. Let's see if he has the decency to reply and give an explanation for what happened. Whether or not I hear from him, at least I've asked the questions that have been nagging at me, and won't always be wondering if I'll be hearing from him again.

Ok............. so I wrote all of that on Monday. On my lunch break I sent the email, the deleted all of the contact information, just as planned. I was quite proud of myself. I had fully anticipated not getting a response. Which would have been fine. I still would have had closure, since no response would have told me all that I needed to know about his worth as a human being. But the bastard responded. He was very open and honest and stated that some woman from his past resurfaced and had him confused. He doesn't know exactly what he wants, and needs time to make up his mind about where he wants to go with things. However, he still wants to continue seeing me and get to know me, we just have to slow things down. I told him that I was fine with that. However, things have gotten more interesting since that time.

Stay tuned for part 3.

 

Last Night

In my defense I offered this boy an out. I let him know beforehand that I was having a rough weekend and would like to reschedule our date (not cancel, but postpone until later in the week). He asked what was wrong, and I mentioned that it had to do with another guy. He insisted on seeing me anyway and stated that I could just vent over margaritas. So that’s what we did.  I kept my venting brief because seriously, the guy wasn’t at all what I had expected. He actually might have potential and I’m thinking there could be a second date in the near future. We shall see.

I haven’t come up with an appropriate nickname  for him yet. Well at least not something I'd publish on my blog.

Mr. Whirlwind

I like to choose my nicknames carefully. This suits him well. The guy came into my life suddenly and with amazing force and intensity. Unfortunately he also left nothing but disaster in his wake.

I’ll start off by admitting that this story show cases exactly how naïve I can still be at the age of 26.. As with many of these stories, it all started online. Living in such a small town, where everyone I know is already with somebody else, the internet really is the only place to meet men. We started texting on a Sunday, by the following Sunday I was head over heels in love with the guy, on the following Sunday we had what would be our final date and what was also one of the best dates I’ve ever been on, and the Sunday after that I finally came to the realization that it was over.

Three weeks total. Yet I have to say that in those three weeks, I gave him more of my heart than I’d given any man in my dating history, including men I had dated for years. I tend to be very closed off with people. It takes me a very long time to warm up. With him it was different. He had every single quality I’ve wanted in a man. He had a good stable job in a field that I respected, very old fashioned, lead a simple life, and seemed like a kind and genuine person. We clicked instantly. For the first two weeks everything was great. There was a lot of talk on his end about hoping we had something long term and wanting a real relationship, stating that he was a one woman type of man. Our final date took place on Sunday and ended extremely well. We continued to talk daily, chatting on both Monday and Tuesday. Then Tuesday, during a little flirty texting session where we were planning our next date, he disappeared. I had asked a question and a response never came. Wednesday I did the usual “good morning” text and the “how was your day at work” text. No response to either ever came. Thursday I let it go, hoping to hear from him, but I didn’t. 

The paranoid portion of my brain assumed that he simply decided he wasn’t interested and decided to disappear. However, the more rational portion of my mind insisted that I was being hasty and that maybe something had happened. So on Friday I made one last attempt to reach him saying  “Hi there. I was just wondering if I did or said something wrong. When we last spoke on Tuesday you still seemed very interested in getting together again. I was certainly looking forward to our plans. Since then there has been nothing but silence. I was just wondering what caused the change.” I sent that during my lunch break, and when the work day ended without a response, I deleted all of his contact information from my phone so that I would not be able to contact him again. However, during my drive home, I received a response. “Hey there. It’s been a really strange week for me emotionally and physically. Life took an odd turn that I hadn’t expected so I’m trying to sort things out. It’s nothing you did. No need to feel bad.” What the fuck does that mean?! Being the sweetheart that I am, I told him that I would be here for him if he needed someone to help him process things. He thanked me for the offer and pointed out that he was away for work. I said that the offer still stands for when he is back home. Since then I have still heard nothing. I wanted closure damn it! I still don’t have it. Grr…

I hate to admit this, but I’m sure more updates will be coming. I’m unable to leave things unresolved.

Why do I bother?

I’m standing if front of a mirror, examining my reflection after getting ready to go out on a date this evening. A few dozen thoughts are running through my head as I evaluate what is in front of me: Do I look pretty enough, are my faults too much, do I show cleavage or not, and should I even bother? After all, this is most likely a complete waste of my time considering my last dating fiasco.  

I turn 27 this week. I’m fairly proud of where I am in life. I have a good, stable job that allows me to pay the bills, despite being a social worker. My career also holds some very promising opportunities in the future. I hold a B.A. in psychology with a concentration in counseling, and in May I will also hold my M.S.W. as well. I have a nice little home that, while not spacious or particularly special, possesses everything I need to live a relatively comfortable life. I lead a simply lifestyle with very few actual needs.  Furthermore, I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. However, when you are a relatively cute, professional girl in your late twenties, if you are not at least in a committed relationship, you are viewed as being lacking. Every last one of my friends is currently married, has been in a committed relationship for several years, or they have recently been divorced. None of them quite understand the plight my demographic find themselves in. As a result, while journaling about some of my experiences last night, I decided to make my thoughts, opinions, and personal experiences on this matter public in hopes of educating those that have not been here on why sometimes, this quest doesn’t seem worth it, and I utter the phrase “I just give up.” I promise to be fully respectful to the gentlemen I have dated and will never use names unless given permission (or if they were just that terrible that it felt justified).

As for tonight’s adventure, I will fill you in later this week on the outcome, though it’s not looking good already. Not only is my heart not in it, my mind isn’t either. I’m still stuck on… let’s call him… Mr. Whirlwind.  I’ll tell that tale another time too. However, for now all that matters is that he is on my mind, and it seems unfair to let a nice guy buy me dinner tonight, when my mind is stuck on someone else. Yep, I should cancel. Besides, if I go out, I’m going to miss my shows. Once Upon a Time is on at 8, and the Walking Dead is on at 9. Hook doesn’t disappoint me, Hook understands.